Falling Back In Love

An article written by
Sally Connolly, LMFT and John E. Turner, LMFT

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“I love him but I am not in love with him.”

“We seem to have lost that spark and I do not have those same feelings for her any more.”

“We seem to be just roommates … and have lost the good feelings that we once had.”

Those are words … and feelings … that go through the minds and hearts of almost all of those who are involved in long-term relationships. It is rare for both partners in a couple to have those same warm and connected feelings all of the time. And, yes, it is possible to fall back in love with your spouse.

Sometimes, hearing those words from a spouse can mean an affair …either emotionally or sexually. An attraction to someone else brings excitement and a marital partner generally cannot measure up to the thrill of newness and the thrill of risk and secrecy. If infidelity is the issue, the challenges are much more complex and require stepping away from the affair before feelings of being in love can even begin to return.

Often feeling and thoughts of losing love; however, are more about taking each other for granted, devoting more time to career, children, social lives or other activities that prevent prioritizing the marriage and nurturing the couple relationship. When partners do not nurture their relationship, they tend to become distant and feel more lonely and isolated.

Some will decide that this is reason enough for a divorce. One research study, however, noted that couples who do stay together and find a way to bring their marriage back to life, report happiness 5 years later with appreciation for having found a way to stay together.

Falling Back in Love

So …
How do you try to bring those feelings back? It certainly helps if more than one of you are working on this, however, even one person can make a difference in the relationship. Here are a few ideas to help you begin to turn things around.

Look at pictures of happier times together and reminisce about those experiences together.
Every day, think about one good characteristic about your spouse that you really like and admire. Try to remember specific things that he or she has done to demonstrate that characteristic. Ponder on that one aspect or characteristic all day. The next day, choose another one. Tell your partner about your appreciation for that characteristic.
Schedule dates with each other and make sure that they are occasions when you do not talk about any problems, just about your lives.
Only talk about your spouse and your life in good ways to family and friends.
If you have complaints, write them down and then try to leave them alone for a while. Later you can revisit them and decide whether or not they are important enough to talk about.
Re-ignite your sexual relationship.

Do you have other ideas for things that you have done that worked for you … or for others that you know? If so … please visit our blog and share those ideas with others.

If you would like more help with falling back in love in your own relationship, contact us at Couples Counseling of Louisville or Counseling Relationships Online.

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